Good news, WUSSY readers! After years of publishing cultural critiques, putting out print magazines, and throwing the best damn parties this side of the Mason-Dixon line, we’ve finally earned enough money to move on to phase two of the Wussy plan! That’s right: we’ve completed the guillotine we’re going to use to execute our comments section!
It seems like just yesterday that we decided to start a fake publishing entity just so we could create a database of people who disagreed with us politically on Facebook but here we are! It’s such a relief to know that all these years of hard work are finally paying off.
Every drag brunch you’ve ever attended! Every piece of merch you’ve ever bought! All of that cash went straight into the guillotine fund. That’s right! Every dime you’ve ever given to WUSSY has been leading up to this moment: our full ascension to an authoritarian queer regime that silences our critics in an orgiastic cataclysm of cultural Marxism!
And we have no one to thank but you!
That’s right! We’re going full judge, jury, and sexecutioner… but also just regular executioner! Cancelled! Cancelled! You’re all cancelled... to death. The crime? Being too problematic to agree with our groupthink, you capitalist/pig/capitalist pig!
I know what you’re thinking: “I’m just an upper middle-class white realtor who thinks cops are good and gentrification is also good and gay marriage and rainbow crosswalks mean there’s no more discrimination and also trans people need to wait their turn for rights. What have I ever done wrong!?” Well, if reading five years of our poorly-informed Bolshevik critiques of literally everything you’ve ever enjoyed in your brief, shallow life hasn’t clued you in yet, it’s not worth trying to convince you now! We’re not interested in discourse. We’re interested in disgorg...ing the vital fluids from your body when we slice off your heads!
The guillotine is thirsty!
There’s a million guillotinable offenses and we’ve already judged you guilty of all of them! Ever been friends with someone who’s eaten at Chick-Fil-A? That’s a guillotining! Ever rooted for a white person to win Drag Race? That’s a guillotining! Ever tapped your toe to a Katy Perry song? Swish swish, bitch, here comes dat guillotine!
Aw, I’m sorry, did you think that just because we threw fun parties with famous drag queens that we were just your standard neoliberal gay website? Surely you must, since you’ve been getting your Andrew Christians in a bunch over every single critical thing we post! Newsflash: we’re communists! The scary kind! Boo! Perhaps we should put on our little Rachel Maddow glasses and cry on TV while reporting the news? Maybe then you would take us seriously.
“We shouldn’t even be concerned about this when there are real crimes going on in Uganda!” you protest as you are dragged out to the public square while the crowd pelts you with empty poppers bottles. Not a strong argument to make, considering you’ve never done anything to help a person in Uganda and you only bring it up when you read something you don’t like online. Besides, once you’ve felt the guillotine’s icy sting, you won’t be concerned about Uganda or any of the other countries in Africa you can name, which is probably none of them!
Now, now. There’s no reason to get mad at us for this. After all, if Ellen can make time in her busy schedule of being a piece of shit to every production assistant she’s ever had to make friends with cuddly war criminal George W. Bush, maybe you can try to see eye-to-eye with us… before your head tumbles into the guillotine basket that is. Heck, even if we only executed 5 dissidents a day for the next 100 years, we still wouldn’t be responsible for as many deaths as George W. Bush… and that’s just counting innocent civilians! So maybe take a page from Ellen’s playbook and try to be a little more open minded! It’s important to be friends with people you don’t agree with!
And in case you’re worried, we’re going to slap a coat of rainbow paint on the guillotine. Heck, we’ll even call it a gay-otine! That should be the base level of pandering you need to be okay with something! If you’re going to go out, go out with pride!
So the next time you get pissy at something online, just remember: that organization is probably run by a shadow coalition of maniacs whose thirst for social justice can only be quenched by your fascist blood! Alright readers, we have a lot of work to do going through every comment ever posted on one of our articles and deciding which list you get put on. But be sure to buy tickets to our Shalloween party... or else! We look forward to reading your well-reasoned comments on Facebook!
Julian Modugno is a writer and humorist based out of Chicago, IL. He hates everything you love and won't be happy until it's destroyed and you're left with nothing. You can follow him on instagram @historysgreatestmonster and on Twitter at @juliocentric